Letting go of Cruella

Well, I'm back at it. My shoulder is still a bit wonky, but my back is healed and I'm yearning to get back into the teaching groove.

Even though I feel nervous about it.

Forcing myself to rest has been both a great joy and a test of how kind I can be to myself, and how willing I am to let go of my inner taskmaster (let's call her Cruella), who likes to wield a horse-hair whip and yell commands like "Push through it, bitch!" and "Rest is for sissies!" 

But rest I did, and rest I have. 

So, why the nerves?

Well, I love teaching yoga, and there's something about getting into the groove of teaching each week that makes me feel like I really know what I'm doing. Taking a few weeks off makes me feel like I'm starting from scratch. Like I'm a beginner. 

Even though I'm the same person, with the same amount of yoga experience that I've always had. 

Do you hear that, Cruella?

This all got me thinking about "beginner's mind", a Zen concept that essentially means showing up for each experience without preconceptions of how it will unfold. 

I found this quote, which I love, from Zen master Shunryu Suzuki: “If your mind is empty, it is always ready for anything; it is open to everything. In the beginner's mind there are many possibilities; in the expert's mind there are few.” 

This quote really helped me calm my nerves. We spend so much of our lives gathering knowledge, expertise, and competence in order to achieve our goals. Which is wonderful in its own right. But what a relief to let that go of that now and again, and show up to life open and ready to receive. Like a beginner. 

So let's gather together this Sunday at 11am in the spirit of beginners -- exploring our bodies and our breath, together -- with loving curiosity for what shows up. THAT is yoga.

In other words, Cruella, F*ck off.